For the first time in close to 5 years of ownership - my car was hit...
My car was parked at work and one of my coworkers had come in and asked me what happened to my bumper. I was thoroughly confused because there wasn't anything wrong as far as I was aware. Low and behold, I walk out there to see what they were talking about and find this:
https://imageupload.io/GcKNhS9VFvGSrMG
Luckily it was still early in the morning, so I was able to sort through the security camera footage for the camera that was on the corner of the building looking right at my car. It didn't take long before I stumbled upon some absolute moron who went into the gas station next door, bought a Fourloko, came back out, chugged it down, tossed the can out his window, and proceeded to do the wildest backing up maneuver I've ever seen; hitting my car and leaving the scene.