Ok, we have outlined how to communicate with our neighbors to the North, I felt that this outline would prove beneficial for them when they come to visit.
SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy
it.
NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to
use
it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab
of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This
is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already
know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
find
it yourself.
5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, You ain't from around here, are ya?
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big ol
boy". (which in the last few years, has become big ass....truck, big
ass
tires, big ass woman)
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly
in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to
drive
on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for
that
vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, y'all, watch this! Stay
out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who
do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the
store. It
is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Be advised that in the South, He needed killin'!, is a valid
defense.
------------------
Please, do not try this at home!
SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy
it.
NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to
use
it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab
of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This
is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already
know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
find
it yourself.
5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, You ain't from around here, are ya?
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big ol
boy". (which in the last few years, has become big ass....truck, big
ass
tires, big ass woman)
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly
in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to
drive
on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for
that
vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, y'all, watch this! Stay
out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who
do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the
store. It
is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Be advised that in the South, He needed killin'!, is a valid
defense.
------------------
Please, do not try this at home!