How to survive the South

valois

Banned
Joined
Jan 11, 2000
Ok, we have outlined how to communicate with our neighbors to the North, I felt that this outline would prove beneficial for them when they come to visit.
SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down.

4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.

5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

9. He's as country as cornflakes.

10. This is gooder'n grits.

11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy
it.

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to
use
it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab
of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This
is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already
know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
find
it yourself.

5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is
plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, You ain't from around here, are ya?

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big ol
boy". (which in the last few years, has become big ass....truck, big
ass
tires, big ass woman)

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly
in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to
drive
on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for
that
vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, y'all, watch this! Stay
out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
still, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who
do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December.

14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the
store. It
is just something you're supposed to do.

15. Be advised that in the South, He needed killin'!, is a valid
defense.



------------------
Please, do not try this at home!
 

Ric Woodruff

BANNED, Ric went to Coventry.
Joined
Feb 19, 1999
Where the heck do you live, anyways?


------------------
Ric Woodruff

Braumeister von Sehr Gutem Bier
Since the Last Millennium

1998 Jetta TDI Sport

"I'm a cheapskate... and proud of it!"
 

valois

Banned
Joined
Jan 11, 2000
Ric, look at my profile, M31, and you work for NASA? geesh, Ugh, we just point dem rockets and light the fuse.
 
S

SkyPup

Guest
Look!

Up in the sky!

Is it a bird?

Or a plane?

NO!

It's M31
 

Tazzman

Veteran Member
Joined
Apr 19, 1999
Location
Great White North ( south of N. Bay )
You know you're from Canada when ...

1.You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3.The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4.You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5.You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
6.Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7.You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8.You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9.Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages,
but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them all to your
Canadian
friends.

Tazz


JS SMKN
 

TDIsmokin

Veteran Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2000
Location
Tillsonburg, Ontario, Canada
You guys crack me up!! On my trip to Orlando , I may actually get to meet both of you.
Rule #1.
Seperate days. Seperate facility. Just the facts Maam!!!

------------------
TDIsmokin
Claude

I am an elitist. I drive a TDI!!
 

valois

Banned
Joined
Jan 11, 2000
Tazz LMAO
#19 is extremely important, inadvertant use of the wrong leaves could lead to uncomfortable results, down here corn cobs are tough but effective.


------------------
Please, do not try this at home!
 

Tazzman

Veteran Member
Joined
Apr 19, 1999
Location
Great White North ( south of N. Bay )
Valois

I guess you havent heard of
Poison IVY
Poison Oak
Poison Rabbit
Poison Mushroom
Poison the wife,,, ohhhhhh nooo
Id rather have the dog anyways it won the retreaval contest!!!!!!!!

CORN????
we use that as an attractant ,,
I wont tell for what though,,

So what's Grits eh,?
come from corn eh?
you eat that stuff eh???
sick eh!?

Tazz


JS SMKN
 
S

SkyPup

Guest
RIC????? What kind of BIMBO are you, you work for NASA and you DON'T have a clue to M31?????


WHAT GALAXAY DID YOU SAY YOU WERE FROM BUD?????

M31 is in the Andomeda Galaxy, the one that is pulling all of us in the Milky Way Galaxy into it! It is only a matter of time, lots of human time, but little of universal time.

Vast clouds of interstellar space particles must be blocking your retinal vision, unless some Klingon has taken a hold of what is left of your mind?


Don't ever forget where M31 is again, you will not live to regret it!
 

valois

Banned
Joined
Jan 11, 2000
Skypups dead on, check my profile, I have been promoted to President of the Epsilon confederation. My new duties require my immediate presence and I have been relocated from Area 51. I am now in M31. Ever hear the axiom, ask a stupid question..........
 
S

SkyPup

Guest
Tazz -> TOO MUCH. We'll just have to turn you on to some fried chicken, collared greens, okra, sweet potatoes, and cornbread. We'll make a Southerner of you yet!!!!
LOL
 

John Rumble

Veteran Member
Joined
Dec 13, 1999
Location
Pittsburgh PA
If you are asked by a southerner “Who are you” they don't want to know your name.
They want to know the names of your parents or grandparents and where abouts they
live. Example “Who are you?” the correct answer for me is “ I am the grandson of
Charles and Edie May Rumble alittle piece down the road from Smarr.”
The differance between a Yankee and a Dam Yankee is the Yankee is just passing through.
 
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