Ok, still pulling my hair out.
Have both 85 terminals grounded to both factory headlight grounds. Have 86 terminals hooked up to low/high beam wires (seperately, of course) on BOTH sides of car. Bascially I have now wired the relays in place of the headlight sockets so the ecm sees power going out and back. Power to 30's is coming direct from battery, fused, separate for each relay. Headlight bulbs are grounded direct to battery.
High beams now work, except once they're on they won't turn off with the dimmer switch. I have to turn the headlight switch off and back on to return to low beam. When on low beam, my high beam indicator is dimly lit. Also, I'm only getting around 8V to the low beam relay (both 30 and 86 terminals) when probing the 85 terminal for ground, which in turn is only sending 8V to my bulbs. If I ground the voltmeter to battery, I see 12V at that relay. Obviously my issue is on the ground side. If I pull the low beam relay, high beams turn on and off as normal. Seems like a backfeeding issue, but I can't see where anything I've done could be backfeeding.
With only 8V to the relay, my low beams are basically non-existent. I think I could fix this by grounding the bulbs to the factory harness, but I'm worried about melting the factory wire, or worse, damaging the ecm.
I wish I had tested for voltage before I did any of this... My headlights were pretty bad before, so there could be a completely different underlying issue here. I pulled the headlight switch last night to disconnect the DRL's, and found it was already replaced with an auto wrecker switch. Also, the terminal for the DRL's on the switch was folded right over, so they haven't been connected this whole time. I bent it back straight but that did not change anything.