Thanks for the tips, paramedick. You're nice.
I finished the filter change. Car never sputtered or anything, despite hours with the filter removed. (I did clamp the hoses, but it wasn't that tight.) It was really not a big deal at all, but apparently I didn't have the tools necessary to remove the bolt clamping the filter in place. It ended up taking hours, because of that. It's like I need one of those screwdrivers that has a flexible shaft so you can unscrew stuff in very tight places.
I drained the "water" from the bottom of the old fuel filter, but it smelled like pure diesel and seemed to be a lot more than just a tablespoon or so. So I stopped draining it. As far as I know, that fuel filter hadn't been changed in ~90,000 miles. How do I responsibly dispose of the fuel filter w/ diesel inside?